It was Mr. T who once said, “I pity the fool”, and although I was a little young to be an avid The A-Team viewer, heck, I wasn’t even born, that sentiment is certainly something I can relate to today. Why? you might ask. Well, because I may well be one By now, I’m sure a lot of you already know that I’m again a free soul. A free man. That isn’t to say I was ever enslaved. Or maybe I was. I never felt that way mind you. But at the very least, I was only ever bound by the chains of love and respect, which, apparently, doesn’t count for much these days, so here we are. Single once more.
As I sit here typing this, while the dulcet tones of Chris Martin, Coldplay and their hit single Magic ring out, I can’t help but think of the irony. If you’re familiar with the song, I’m sure you’ll understand why, particularly in relation to the events I’ve detailed above. “Broken into two” I have been, admittedly, these past couple of months, but far from me constructing some kind of sympathetic sob-story for you all to discard without much regard, this post is meant to act as something more, a conviction-bolsterer(?) if you will, for anyone who may have found themselves in a similar position, whether recently or at any time previously. My words, reassurances and actions, both past and present, weren’t meaningful enough to salvage what I had, but maybe they’ll find some use elsewhere, who knows. One can dream.
The truth of it is, throughout these last two months, during which my year-long relationship began to unfold, then crumble in front of my very eyes, it was all so new to me. Because of that fact, I was never really sure how to deal with it. Should I have let time heal the issues and concerns that arose and backed off more than I did? Should I have become a more active mind game player? Should I have been more assertive to help fix things? Maybe it didn’t make a difference. Maybe it was always a lost cause. Maybe I was too naive to think it wasn’t. The fact of the matter is, I still don’t know. Legitimate questions though they might be, what I do know, however, is that I haven’t any regrets about how I did cope with everything for a reason.
As a kid, I was never the type of person who would just say how they felt for fear of being judged or embarrassed by friends and peers alike. It took a long time for that insecurity to change. But gratefully, it did. However unfortunate the circumstances, I can thank my grandparents for that, as I must for a lot of things. Though my one Nan passed away when I was only six years old, into my late teens I experienced the deaths of my three remaining grandparents in the space of a few years. At the time, even in their old age, you never really think that they won’t be around anymore. A feeling I regret to this day.
Of course, they all knew I loved them, and I was young, but looking back, I wish I could have done, or at least, said, more than I did. I would have told both my Grandads that I thought they were heroes, for instance. Real, wartime heroes. I would have told both my Nans that no amount of hugs and kisses in the world could ever make-up for how they looked after me, making me realize how important it is to grow up a kind and considerate person in the process. I simply would have told them ‘I loved them’ more. I can’t turn back that time, but from their passing came my maturing. What a gift I was left.
Roll the clocks forward to this summer. There I am, relationship facing imminent disaster. What do I do? I let my heart do the talking. Foolish some might say. Maybe. But my past experiences have taught me otherwise. Did it work? Well, no, but why wouldn’t I tell her how I felt? Society today has reached a stage so far removed from actual humanistic and empathetic connection that I couldn’t bring myself to become an active contributor. It just isn’t realistic, especially in regards to those relationships personal to your own.
So, as you can imagine, whilst it was soul-destroying to find out that the thoughts, feelings and emotions I felt weren’t reciprocated and the memories we had made after so many good times spent together seemingly forgetful, I for one will continue to tell those who give my life meaning exactly what I feel, and perhaps you should too. I couldn’t think of anything worse than suppressing the regret of not doing so, wondering what if for years to come, or remaining silent until it’s too late, but maybe that’s just me. And sure, I didn’t get the outcome I had hoped for, but at least, deep down, I would know I remained true to my heart.
And that, that, should never be anything to be ashamed of.